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Exciting New Pre-Game Activities of the Whole Family

The NFL has officially recommended that all fans of any age should subject to passive/aggressive/invasive pat-downs prior to entering stadiums. Other than adding a new level of job security for TSA agents, it was felt that recent violent attacks before and after major league games warranted the same mind-numbing, time-consuming and ultimately unrewarding search for concealed weapons including Tasers and pocket nukes that has been so successful at airports.

What has yet to be determined is whether or not full body scans and the removal of footwear will also be required. Some of the guys are already on the job outside stadiums, dressed nattily in blue shirts, black caps, dark shades and rubber gloves (for the occasional impromptu correctable exam, presumably).

So is the NFL just trying to make up for an inferiority complex about the FAA, or is there really a need to strike fear and loathing in those simply wishing to get in to see men brutalizing each other? The NFL claims that the new enhanced security is “an essential layer of security in an age of constant security threats,” and that they are simply following their “Best Practices” policies.

The new decree, while eliminating Fourth Amendment rights against unlawful searches and seizures, was deemed necessary in what NFL officials termed the “this period of unprecedented terrorism”, never mind that the best years of terror and torture lie about ten years behind us. The NFL has always been slow to the game.

Other than causing nightmarish bottlenecks before each game, all that might be expected is a sizeable drop-off in season ticket sales, and that may or may not be such a bad thing. You’ll have to really want to see a game to put up with the pre-game gook show. Oh, and it will put a new premium on the outside SaniCans. On the brighter side, perhaps, the new policy will keep tailgate partying to a minimum.

Do we really need any of this, and how long might one expect it to take before major-league baseball and hockey follow suit? TSA body gropes may one day replace baseball anyway as the all-American pastime. Let’s all join in another seventh-inning chorus of “Take me out to the bod scan.”